THE PEN IS MORE PORTABLE THAN THE SWORD
NINJA ASSASSINS
It was Eleanor's birthday last Friday. She bought herself a Wii. I am now a Wiidower.
The year that I bought the kids one for Christmas - which is about 3 years ago - I also picked up a WWE Smackdown Vs Raw game and spent Boxing Day evening with my shoulder all banged up and smelling of Tiger Balm after trying to hand Batista a Tombstone Piledriver.
Somebody must have bought me Call of Duty the following year I guess, because it's the only other game I own. So, I just spent half an hour having a quick look at it. It kind of went like this:
"You have been killed by a grenade."
"You have been killed by a grenade."
"You have been killed by a grenade."
I don't play Call of Duty anymore. Call of Duty is not cool.
Now I know why I never owned a gaming machine of any description. Choose Life.
MONSTER MASH (II)
John Kenn is a Danish dude who writes and directs TV shows for kids - in his spare time he draws monsters on yellow post-it notes to pass the time.
I draw monsters on yellow post-it notes now instead of painting monsters on gnarly landscapes. Drawing monsters on yellow post-it notes now instead of painting monsters on gnarly landscapes is cool.
(This Doctor Who quote will get really old really quick and the series hasn't even started yet).
MONSTER MASH (I)
Here's some neat nonsense that I found this morning. Artist Chris McMahonhas struck creative gold by picking up old gnarly unwanted landscapes in yard sales and then adding monsters to them. He calls them "involuntary collaborations".
A RANDOM FIND
Flipping through my feedly um... "feeds" this morning, I followed a link of a link of a link on Cherie Priests blog and found this (left). That's what I call a book jacket design. Maybe you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but that's just the sort of thing that would stop me in a store and make me read the back.
MR SMITH AND THE BIRTH OF A NEW SPECIES
I thought I was seeing things - or maybe the little punk had fallen down a chimney or something, but while I was driving to the Post Office yesterday, a squirrel ran across the road in front of me.
Not just any squirrel - a Black Squirrel.
Thinking it was maybe a freak of nature, when I came back I did some research and would you believe, the damn thing is for real. There's a whole article about it here - how cool is that. Take that Grey's - see how you like them apples!
MR SMITH AND THE DEATH OF A MISCONCEPTION
Late last night, I was hunting around for something new to listen to in the car. In the absence of anybody of worthwhile substance having released any music I might want to listen to (what is going on out there?), I scoured the racks for an audiobook and came up with something I never thought I'd be into.
Everybody has heard of Ernest Hemingway - well, anybody with a scrap of a brain anyway. Having never read him before, I always had him filed under the heading of "classical American writer - probably extremely dull and for old people who like to pretend they're elitist."
I may have become "old" but I hardly think I'm elitist with my authors. Death In The Afternoon is simply captivating - its basic premise is 'observations on a bullfight', but the way he pulls his thoughts together, the way they flow onto the page, make it into something genuinely unique. So far, I've only whipped through the first chapter and I'm half tempted to go out and buy the book, but being as it's a Sunday morning, I'll just slip it on, listen to the rest of it and buy the book later (so long as I can find this cover, some of the others suffer badly at the hands of bad American book designers).
This falls cleanly into the hands of something I've been chewing over a lot lately. As I (think I) said some time back, I was going to record some of my spoken word material and throw it out there as free podcasts. The kit is all set up and I've had a few trial runs at it - it sounds pretty good to be honest (even if I do say so myself) but having listened to a lot of similar concepts, it appears to me that only the Americans can do this properly. From Henry Rollins' Nights Behind The Treeline to old Bukowski and Kerouac material that I've hunted down, spoken word only sounds authentic when Americans do it. I rather suspect that sometimes, even if the content was not so good, it could sneak through the defences on those grounds alone.
Now, not that I'm comparing myself to Gaiman, but I have some of his spoken word material here and it sounds like an English bloke reading a story. Which is exactly what it is - and that's fine, but it wasn't really what I wanted to create. I've checked against some other non-Americans as well, and they all sound - well, just like people reading out loud. I can't put my finger on why I find the American way of creating spoken word so authentic - or maybe cool is a better word. Maybe I should stop analysing it, get it done, put it out there and let everybody else decide.
Then, if it generates less than stellar results, I'll get one of my American pals to do it for me. Then at least it will sound good in myhead.
IN WHICH MR SMITH TAKES PART IN A LAZY SATURDAY AFTERNOON
…and things move along nicely. Mark and I (look at that - proper English!) have a meeting on Monday in London. Finally, The Ballad of the Goat Faced Boy moves along like it has an engine instead of some solid walking shoes. With a launch date, proofs in progress and both of us hitting on it at every available opportunity, we're both really excited about the way things are going. I rather suspect Mark will be bringing along his ideas for his steampunk project too. I'm looking forward to that - I've never written anything that wasn't born from my own head. It might actually make a refreshing change to deal with some people who will behave.
My big box of tricks finally arrived from amazon this week as well. That super-saver delivery is all well and good but it doesn't half take a long time when you're in a hurry. While I was waiting, I caught up with Billingham's Tom Thorne in Bloodline. a nice piece of work it is too for a London based crime drama. Anyway, I'm halfway through the Martin Beck series - if anybody has any recommendations for kick-ass crime I can plough my way through in a month or so, let me know. It's probably worth noting here that I've pretty much done all of the obvious hence why I moved on to Scandinavian authors.
So, without my books, I've been "reduced" to watching the remainder of season two of Life (which was much better than I expected it to be), caught up with The Killing (deserving of every single award it ever won) and dived in and out of a Wire in the Blood box-set that I found knocking around. Maybe I should have just got some sleep - but sleep is for girls. Right?
Talking of which, the girls came back from holiday this week, so this weekend I've got the pair of them. As I sit here typing this, we've decided to have the best Saturday ever by eating our favourite sandwiches and crisps along with a Frijj milkshake while we watch all five episodes of Torchwood: Children of Earth - back to back. I know, I can be such a TV whore sometimes, but it's raining hard, they're tired and I have things to do, so I think it's acceptable. We'll get back on the horse tomorrow and kick off with a visit to the pool, but for now, Captain Jack is just what the Doctor ordered.
A few weeks back, somebody forwarded a link to me about a new web project. It's a really cool idea and if you're into this sort of thing, you should probably go and sign up and get your own name before somebody else pinches it. It's here: https://about.me/ and it's just about the coolest social networking hub I've seen - even though it's still in beta. Everybody on there already has made a real effort with their pictures and it's really locked down tight so you can't really mess it up. Mine is here: http://about.me/sionsmith and what you see is what you get. Cool pic, brief biog and a bunch of icon-driven links to all my other places. Long term, I can see it working really well. If you've got something to say and a good presence on the web, give it a go, otherwise you might find it's all bit pointless and you might as well stick with whatever network of choice you're currently with.
THE MOUSE THAT ROARED
We live in the country. I mean, the COUNTRY. If you look at my house on google maps, there's a little cluster of four cottages and we're surrounded by a radius of, I would say, two miles of fields in all directions. It's beautiful - and comes with it's own wildlife zoo. Sometime last year, I recall posting about the rats that turned up in the garden. Luckily late last summer, the cats at the farm had some kittens and now that we have four badass mogs kicking about the place, we no longer have rats. This, believe me, is a good thing. The cats however didn't deter a stoat from killing the two giant rabbits that one of our neighbours had. I don't know why the stoat has never been interested in our godzilla rabbits. Maybe they're bigger - one of them bit me last week trying to get some food out of my hand and man it hurt.
Anyway, a few days ago, we saw a little mouse sitting in the middle of the floor while we were watching TV. He looked very well fed - lending some gravity to Eleanor's theory that yes, the guinea pig food had been going down faster than normal. He's actually quite a pretty mouse and every night we've heard him rustling about, no doubt searching for tasty morsels consisting of house wiring and whatever else mice eat - anything he can find probably. So, the day before yesterday, we put all the guinea pig food into plastic boxes in the hope he would go elsewhere for his daily bread.
Last night, neither of us could be bothered to cook, so we bought some pizza. Eleanor left a couple of crusts on her plate and put the plate on the floor and within seconds, the little mouse ran out from underneath the sofa, grabbed the biggest crust on the plate and disappeared back under the sofa with it. Brave! Sofa was moved, crust was binned and there was no sign of our little friend... until about 2am this morning when Eleanor found him sitting on her bedside table chewing the corner of her book.
I'm quite reluctant to poison him because he is actually quite a sweet little thing and he's only looking for easy food - and then she spoke the words out loud that I had only been thinking.
Maybe it's not the same mouse.
So today, I'm going to get a couple of humane traps along with some poison. I'll give him a couple of days to get in the box and if he's smart, I'll release him into the wild, otherwise it's the tasty looking arsenic laden corn. I'm not sure that the humane trap is all that kind though. It will make us happy but those cats will find him in no time at all and that will be the end for him.
I just hope there's only one of them.
DAYS OF MAGIC, NIGHTS OF WAR
I spent quite some hours last night working on Fox On The Run - the teleplay idea that drifted into my head about 6 months back. Screenplay makes it sound like it should be a movie, but it's not. It's out and out 9pm Monday night, BBC material. For anybody who writes TV for a living, I salute you. The hardest part of writing/constructing an hour long drama is trimming the fat when the fat acts as an insulating layer for the important parts, but then I guess the trick is to disguise the fat as muscle. I know what I mean… and if you've ever written anything in your life, you'll know what I mean too. I don't think I'll ever write a screenplay that's intended for the big screen. What would I want to go and do that for? It's good to know that you're not alone in the universe at times like this - I find myself in good company from Mr Moffat who recently sent this through space and time on his twitter feed:
"Been stuck on a scene ALL DAY. Solution: a monster attacks. After seven years writing this show, you'd think I'd crack that a bit quicker."
When was the last time you went to the cinema and came out having the feeling you truly watched something groundbreaking? If you're thinking about it, you're blown already. Most films at the moment just seem to scrape by, but they sure as hell don't spit thunder and lightning whatever they're about. I'd probably have to go back to Fellowship of the Ring to find a class act worth tolkien about - and before that? Man, I'd probably have to go back another ten years to find something. TV on the other hand, is wiping the floor with cinema - and you can say what you like about the BBC, when it's hot, it's on fire. Yeah, yeah, the TV licence is a pain in the ass, but certainly not more so than road tax. I get far more out of the BBC than I do the freaking Highways Agency. ITV also pumps out some pristine commissions when it's not tossing about with sport - Marchlands dug a hole to my heart very fast!
Not at all sure how I jumped onto that track, but it's written now. Post and be damned.
IN WHICH MR SMITH DISCOVERS A BRICK WALL
I picked up a copy of Henry Rollins' Smile, You're Traveling (Black Coffee Blues book three) on Thursday. Finished that. You can always rely on Hank to deliver the goods when you're in a hole. Then I hit the next Martin Beck - The Laughing Policeman full on as the next two books in the Martin Beck series will be here soon (see previous post, I think...) and should be done with that sometime this evening. Somebody once asked me how it was possible to enjoy a book when it was read so fast, but I don't think I'm a fast reader at all. I just choose what I sit myself in front of and don't sleep very much. Five hours a night is plenty... isn't it?
As much as I like reading, sometimes there's nothing like wallowing in front of the TV. Inspired by getting to know and love Martin Beck and his Scandinavian meanderings, I thought I should check out The Killing that they've been screening on BBC4. Wow. It's top notch but not for those who like things to move quickly. If it moved any slower, it would be filmed in real time - which is kind of how Martin Beck is written, so I guess it's a Scandinavian thing. Is Denmark a part of Scandinavia? It is now.
This weekend, I have also caught up on Fringe, Californication, Supernatural and am also about halfway through season one of the now defunct show, Life. I missed it first time around but it's pretty neat.
The weekend hasn't been totally without work. I've dug out The Ballad of the Goat-Faced Boy and Broken, given them both a lick of paint and sent them packing to their, hopefully, new co-owner for a good looking at. It's about time they both saw the light of day.
Anyway, I haven't had a shave for about two weeks now. Not cool. It's gonna take quite some time...
HOLLOW VISION
A few days ago, I decided it was time to get my eyes tested again. I used to wear glasses for driving (it always helps to have things moving at speed in sharp focus) but about six years ago, having gotten out of the car and put my specs on the seat, promptly sat on them when I got back in the car and snapped them in two.
Since then, I figured I could muscle on without - and I have. But since I've started driving a whole lot more at night, I've found that everything glares like a rocket - prompting me to say 'old person' things like "don't they make car headlights really bright these days".
Which in fact, they do. Those halogen feckers are the worst.
Anyway, I found that they're pretty much exactly the same as they were the last time I went, but no matter how much I begged and pleaded when it came time to choose some frames, they would not give me the ones that they test you with. They're just brilliant - they look just like those worn by Ichabod Crane and are out and out, total steampunk.
Disappointed. I suppose in the real world, they're not that practical, but I know for a fact that they wouldn't break if you sat on them. Somebody should start making them for sale on the market. Seriously.
IN WHICH MR SMITH BREAKS HIS PROMISE - TO HIMSELF
At the beginning of February, I promised myself that I would not buy any books at all this month, and instead, get on with writing in the time that I usually read.
As you can see from this lovingly prepared book grid, this didn't happen. Worse still, this is just a snapshot of one day of shopping on amazon. It's early days yet, but I have re-promised, with my fingers uncrossed to try much harder next time.
...and you know what else? Once upon a time, I couldn't wait to get my hands on an e-reader. Didn't care if it was Sony, Apple or Kindle (except for that original Kindle which I really didn't want anything to do with based on its Fisher-Price design). In the last six months, I have totally changed my mind. I've seen people on the train with their e-readers and all I see is people staring at a leather bound "something". Meantime, they are able to look across the table at me and see exactly what I'm reading - and I like that. I have come to realise that I like holding stuff. I like the art of the cover. I like stuffing it in my pocket, giving it to my sister, browsing the racks and obviously (duh!), I like how they smell.
Whilst I still see the commercial mileage in it - and will (hypocritically?) be releasing my own material as e-books as well as hardbacks and paperbacks, it's not for me at an ownership level. I'm sure it's great for students to carry around millions of text books in a handy package, great for those who don't want others to see what shameful crap you like reading and fantastic for particularly boring work materials if for instance, you are a chemist. But for me? Not today thanks. I have realised the folly of being able to say you are carrying 20,000 books around all at the same time. Why would you want to do that?
Besides, if I got shot of all my books, all I would have left in my house is a collection of Doctor Who mugs. So screw you world - I don't believe there's an app that can replace them!
PostScript: Actually, the Image Comics app on the iphone is a totally killer piece of kit - for me and them. It's the right sort of genre for e-readers, very clever in its delivery and I'm more aware of their collection and have spent more money with them than ever before in my life because of it... sadly, the same can't be said of Marvel and DC who seem to think it's fine to peddle me old and worthless shit in the name of saying "we're doing it". People really should pay attention to what's going on around them.
BADMOTORFINGER
Hmm. With £160 on a new back box on the exhaust and a looming £110 on two new front tyres before I've even started thinking about an MOT, I'm starting to think that maybe the Miley Cyrus option isn't such a terrible thing after all. But hey, wheels is wheels and they gotta be done!
And that's just my motor. Eleanor had to put hers in as well for some top flight brake and wheel maintenance and is currently looking at the top end of £300...
Gotta love those cars.
Smoking, smoking and er.. more smoking.
My car started to sound like a pimped up Chevy a couple of days ago. It sounds great but probably isn't very healthy - and after about five minutes, it's also a bit embarrassing. Some minor investigation using my closest neighbour for assistance (Vince, who now owns a Thai restaurant and I believe was one of the camera crew on the original Italian Job movie) revealed a hole in the joint of the exhaust as I suspected. Typically I can't find the guarantee when I had the whole system replaced a couple of years back.
So there I am looking for this valuable piece of paper and I glance at the MOT certificate and see that it ran out on February 1st. How did that happen? I coud swear I only got it done in October. Apart from the sexy sounding hole, I think it's still in pretty good shape - at least I hope it is. It has two lights and the wheels go around. Seems to be good enough for most other people on the road. File under pending.
I was collating some news for the mag this morning when I found a story about how Miley Cyrus is trying to shed her "child star" image by growing up very fast. Apparently, she's had a dreamcatcher tattooed onto her ribs - now, here's the best part of the story - allow me to paste the entire paragraph. The bold is mine and any typo's are theirs!
The "Hannah Montana" star, who's recently rumored dating her "So Undercover" co-star Joshua Bowman, was also seen smoking cigarettes in her car. She drove around town and managed to stop by a local tattoo parlor. She reportedly got the tattoo before the outing though.
Apart from this paragraph not making any sense at all, is smoking cigarettes in your car a sign of being a grown-up? I really hope so. I'll finally be able to tell my Ma that, regardless of what she thinks, I've been a grown-up for absolutely ages. And I have a tattoos. Just call me "old man".
The whole story is here - check out the part about her having "inked the phrase 'just breathe' on her other torso" - how many torso's has she got? If nothing else, this is a great example of what the internet should not be used for.
Right... let's find the telephone number of my favourite garage...
UPDATE! Further investigation reveals that it might actually be her fifth tattoo and the place I stole that paragraph from have got her tattoo placements all wrong as well - all of this nonsense pales into insignificance when we are treated to a good read about Miley tripping her face off on DRUGS - here!
MORE UPDATED! ...and then her dad got divorced because her mum had an affair with Poison's Bret Michaels, but no she didn't/yes she did/no she didn't... yeah but no but yeah but...
I think I'll take my car needing an MOT over this kind of hassle and day of the week.
YOU WANTED THE BEST...
I don't normally get geeky and I know that most people can't afford Apple products (shit, me neither - this is work gear), but here's why Apple trounce those other things into the dirt. With big boots on.
I got this MacBook about 6 months back. Open box. Turn it on. Mac is awake and ready to go. It took about as long to get started as it did for you to read that. Got on with my life.
At the back end of last week, I bought Ellie a Samsung Netbook (20% off in Tesco sale - she's been saving up for nearly a year bless her). Open box. Turn it on. Needs plugging in and charging. Turn it on again. Enter stuff. Restart. Enter more stuff. Restart. Contains Windows 7 Starter Pack - unable to change desktop background (pretty much top of the list when you're 14). And so it went on for another two hours until I figured it was safe enough to give her. Between Windows, Microsoft, Norton and all the other shit on there wanting attention, it's hardly surprising nobody working on a PC can get anything done very fast. This isn't a slur on Samsung at all - it's a solid bit of kit but all those other fucking bits and pieces don't half make it annoying. I reckon I could finish a magazine off on an Etch-A-Sketch faster than a PC these days.
Anyway, a few minor adjustments later based on experience (ie: fuck Internet Explorer off and replace with Firefox etc) and she's quite happy.
The moral of the story is, it doesn't matter what anybody says about Apple - they're overpriced and elitist for a reason. It's not being arrogant when you're really that damn good...
Posting from iPhone...
It's good to see the grapevine isn't slacking these days - a cybermen has been seen lurking in a secret location with accompanying cameras, an Amy and an Arthur filming for the new series of Doctor Who. I think I'm pleased about that... despite all the criticism about the 'regulars' appearing far too often, I kinda missed them in the last run.
Despite constant threats to post here, I seem to have fallen off the wagon. Yesterday, I rooted out my list of 101 things to do in 1001 days and started revising it. There's been quite a bit of it done already but being as I started it about two years back and didn't look at it very often, that's more by accident than design. Still, it's a good start and I think the addition of 'make a will' is a valued item on there. Said list is currently being revised to accommodate me actually moving on in my life and rendering some items null and void and might, just might, be up for a public posting. Depends what ends up on it.
While I was busy redesigning the masthead on here, for some reason (see previous post) it didn't want to play, so I made this temporary text version while I figured it out, but in the days that have passed, I have come to quite like it like this so it will be staying for a while. I've also been looking at some mobile blogging tools to help me fulfil one of the more important items on my 101x 1001 list which was "post at zodiac lung everyday."
So, that's the curse of the non-posting broken, let's see if we can get back on track with interesting nonsense...
Currently reading: The Man On The Balcony: Maj Sjowall & Per Wahloo. Number 3 of the Martin Beck series. Am determined to do all 10 of them without a break but that might be a bit if a tall order given the towering stack of amazon purchases I made after Christmas.
Currently listening to: the inane conversation of the nan and woman sitting opposite me on the train.
The Rear View Mirror
So, here it comes in all its glory. 2011. This is as good a place as any to say a very huge thank you to everybody who is still reading my posts at zodiaclung.co.uk - even those of you who read by proxy over the facebook feed. In hindsight, if we're going to use years as marker points, 2010 was pretty successful.
The digital store I set up has exceeded expectation for a start - here's a quick overview of where it stands today: The Fire Sermon - 69,000 readers and counting Gelert - 8,000+ Shouting & Pointing (an Inspector Kang short) - 13,000+ Too Hot For Dogs has also hit 43,000+ readers - my only disappointment with that is that it remains unfinished and needs a total reboot this year and finishing off.
Those numbers are pretty good for something I thought I'd try out as an experiment. Meanwhile in the real world, driving Skin Deep has handed me some great opportunities (aside from it being a really fucking cool job), not least the opportunity to unleash Tattoo Vixens on the world. I haven't quite mustered up the bare faced cheek to ask any of the incredibly talented artists I'm in contact with if they woud like to work on some comic book projects together, but I'm sure it will come sooner rather than later - especially with Tattoo Freeze being around the corner... like the weekend after next.
I've also found a cure for the common flu virus - the Twisted Sister back catalogue. This morning I looked about as healthy as a sack of kittens in a well, but three albums in I must admit, I'm starting to feel a bit sharper. You can't knock the evidence that's in front of your eyes...
More later...
Junk Machine
Danny Trejo locks horns with Steven Seagal, Robert DeNiro, Jessica Alba and Don Johnson in a film by Robert Rodriguez that makes Desperado look like a regular western? What's not to like in this scenario?
Forgiveness will only be granted if the author of this post is less then 10 years old and his parents were brother and sister…
Did anybody else notice that this year Paula Abdul has been replaced on American Idol by Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler? Me neither. Shouldn't Tyler be doing something useful - writing songs like he used to in 1977 maybe?
Lopez is reported to have signed up for one season only for $12 million. One would assume Tyler's cut would be around the same. Still… once upon a time I used to think that my heroes where above things like this. I love American Idol but some people should just stay away…
Now, Danny Trejo being a judge on American idol... yeah, that's what I'm talking about...
Get in the Ring
Burned out on work for today and left alone in the house for an hour or two this evening, there’s only one thing to do. Catch up on the blog. A fine place to start is by introducing my new mug to the party. That’s right - a while back (wow, maybe a couple of years ago now) when I was left in a similar situation, I ran a blog post about all of my mugs. This is the latest addition. Isn’t she beautiful? Nice to see the inclusion of the Angels after their reappearance in the show this year. Mostly, this mug rocks hard but my favourite is still the square one I have with the Judoon Captain on it.
Been keeping some late nights lately too - managed to get through the whole season 2 of Fringe and as far as we have gotten into season 3, kept up with Supernatural and also whipped through season 2 of Mad Men. Mostly though, l’m looking forward to Californication and Torchwood restarting. But you don't want to know about that - you want to know about snow!
Congratulations to everybody who rumbled my snow picture as being a fake. If the snow in my street really fell so it was 40ft high, I would move house in the next five minutes. No, that was stolen from the Ice Road Truckers website - I think it's Alaska. For those of you really thought I would dig snow with my neighbours for hours on end... shame on all of you!
Started making plans for January this afternoon - hitting the road quite a lot. We’ve got our own Tattoo Freeze right in the middle (up in Telford) and then a couple of weeks later, it’s the Brighton Con (in er... Brighton). That’s nearly a whole week in hotel rooms. Gonna be busy though - two magazines and a book to put to bed in the January period along with my own deadlines for a couple of short stories and first draft of “something else” to get done too.
And so my brief period alone comes to an end - Eleanor needs picking up at the train station, the kids need some stuff dropping off and those are just the things I can remember... it's my birthday on Monday. Am thinking that watching Machete with a Chinese meal in a box is the word on the street this year...
