THE PEN IS MORE PORTABLE THAN THE SWORD
There and Back Again
News first: The Fire Sermon has tipped itself over 6,000 reads this weekend. Too Hot For Dogs has also just knocked itself over the 1,000 mark as well - which is probably more impressive as it takes more than a few minutes to read and makes me want to finish the damn thing now.
On which note, I'm just about to unleash two new graphic shorts on Charlotte to see what she makes of them. Both are loosely based on "true" stories and I'm really excited about them, if for no other reason than what I have planned when they're done. They will either do the skyrocket thing or the stone in the well thing. Given that the stone in the well is not an option, bring it on!
I've just remembered something I meant to post a while back. The house next-door has a bloody huge well in the garden and I never noticed until last week. Actually, it had to be pointed out to me but the damn thing is huge. I feel really stupid for not seeing it before. Apparently it goes straight down about 60 feet and works. Or it would if it hadn't had three tons of chalk tipped down it. This was not so much because it was dangerous in a "drunken - oh look it's a well" kind of fashion, but more to keep the rats out.
Good plan. Anyway, I really need to get some press materials behind me/us to give these new stories a killer slant.
Following on from the post of a couple of days ago, I really need to start getting the numbers up here - the statistics are actually pretty damn good on a global level but what I need is more visible people. Google analytics is all a bit faceless. Useful for a website in itself but not so much for a blog. (Hey Rowan - is that correct?)
So, two things - if you pass by here a lot, maybe you could just add yourself as a follower on the source page - it would be extra specially helpful if you could. You don't have to do anything and you won't get any email or other trash from me but it will make me look big and clever for two minutes.
The second thing which is maybe a bit more of a favour, is telling somebody - just one person you know - that Zodiac Lung exists! Obviously not if you think it's shit - but if you think a friend may actually like some of the drivel here, let them know.
By return, if you have a page you want me to join, a list you want me to sign up to - anything of that nature, let me know. I'll also link to it here if it's good stuff.
Finally, for now, over at Alex Robinson's blog - which if you're a blog whore too, is an excellent read - AR dives into the Fantastic Four Masterworks trade paperback with some great insights on the team and the early days of the Marvel Universe. There was a time when I believed I was the only person who thought these things but I won't elaborate. Go read it yourself - it's a good post.
More later. Definitely.
Publish And Be Damned
When I started this blog, I originally intended it to be a catalogue of events on how to get published - skirmishes with publishers and agents, festivals and a first-hand discourse in what it's like self publishing your own material - and self publishing your own material that has been edited properly and wasn't just glorified vanity rubbish. That sort of thing.
No surprises that this didn't last long and soon descended into collections of Doctor Who mugs, favourite songs and other pop-culture related nonsense.
Today, I find myself back at the beginning. With a fair few projects approaching the end - and is spite of my staunch independence - I find myself toying with the thought "Do I need an agent".
As always, the answer is "It depends what you want".
..and the retort to that is, as usual, "everything".
So yesterday, on a whim to see what happened, I sent out a query letter to a reputable agent in New Jersey. This was based solely on them being very far away and, to be honest, it wasn't a very well thought out letter and I didn't expect a response -but I got one. A very honest one at that. Constructive, polite, professional and concise.
No, I really didn't expect that at all - but I now know exactly what I want my agent to be like. In fact, I am totally sold on this person being my agent in the U.S.
All I need to do is prefect my pitches to U.K. agents, get one of them and then return to her. Hopefully, she will forget I ever said anything by the time I get back to her.
She said two things of intrinsic value that I will go into here.
The first is that you need to be clear on what it is you are offering and perhaps, more importantly, crystal clear about who you are. What is it that you do?
This has curveballed me. I am simply me and I write whatever presents itself to my head. I am not a business plan - which is maybe where it all falls apart and I am better off self publishing.
Forever.
The other thing I have taken on board immediately is being accosted with the potential need to become a member of a group such as (for example) The Mystery Writers of America (or U.K., I guess). Is this really necessary? Do I want to be a little fish in a little pond on the outskirts of the big sea? Is it better to be in the water?
What if I am not a fish?
Meanwhile, you may feast your eyes on this poster for the new Shyamalan movie. Bring it.
Jet City Woman
So long as it (loosely) fits, maybe the title of each post from now on will be the title of whatever song it is I'm listening to while I write. I may also be able to hook that title up to a youtube clip where you can listen to said song. That would be very cool indeed - but I think you would need to be on the native blogger page which is where all the feeds originate from.
I have an interview at midnight tonight (it's a time-zone thing). I'm not sure if they want me to write for them or interview me about blogging. Probably the former and I was just too tired to read the email properly. That would be my "hopeful-ego" intruding on "the real world". I'll post shortly afterwards as either way something will happen with it worth talking about.
After checking in with Charlotte, we've decided that the best way forward is to finish up the whole story for Too Hot For Dogs rather than do it little by little and concentrate on doing some graphic shorts to get us out there more. This suits me fine. I really like the shorts as a medium, they're quick and fast and a lot more geared up for reading on the web than a bigger comic. I may re-think the whole concept of Too Hot and use the first issue that's already available as a promo tool and make the remaining six issues into a graphic novel. Then I must think of a way of thrusting all of these graphic parts of ZL onto mobile devices blah blah blah... yeah, I know. Later.
More shortly...
Hocus Pocus
Strange how some days come into focus a lot faster than others. Today is a very "in focus" day and for the first time in weeks, I seem to be able to see forwards very clearly. Nothing specific - simply not foggy. Maybe this comes from "doing" as opposed to "thinking of doing". "Thinking of doing" inevitably results in me "not doing" - and this makes me cross.
That's enough philosophy for now - bear witness to this fantastic Houdini poster whilst I collect my thoughts for your momentary entertainment...
I've had some great ideas this week about some of my major projects. It will mean more work, but it will also make them a lot more fun which means I may spend more time with them.
My first big plan is to take one of my books and propel it forward by giving it away chapter by chapter. The book in question would have to be Carnival of Souls simply because I think it's the sort of thing that should be given away for free. Then I figured it might be much cooler to give it away as a podcast instead. I'm softwared and hardwared up to the hilt with podcasting technology so this would not be hard. In fact, it might work out better - if I give away weekly podcasts of the book, then I'm not actually giving away the book itself and that will then have the potential to have a life of its own afterwards.
I came around to this train of thought yesterday when I was daydreaming about the future. It kind of went something like this: "If I was a published author being paid to write, I'd definitely want to do my own audiobooks and podcasts - it would break up the time spent at a keyboard but it's still working..."
BUT - for the first time ever, it then dawned on me that just because PanMacmillan aren't paying me to write yet, doesn't mean I shouldn't be doing those things anyway. It would be the first thing I would tell somebody else. Do it now and make all your mistakes on your own time - then, when it comes time that somebody wants to pay you to do it, you're not an absolute beginner.
So... sometime this week, I shall be recording Chapter One of Carnival of Souls I: The Stairway to Heaven for a giveaway release. The chapters in Carnival are very short and the progress so far is more disjointed than the entrie six series' of Lost. Cue investigation about how to give stuff away on itunes.
THEN - I had another great idea. This time about Almost Human and how to make it the sort of project I would want to buy into. I won't reveal all my ideas here but they will filter out very quickly into the world over the course of the next few weeks and be stand alone items to play with - the first one might even be today. Thinking about this made me want to start writing songs again - why? Because I was a bloody good songwriter. I'm sure I still am but I am very out of practice and need more hours to myself in the day to propel such an addition.
MEANWHILE - consider this a prelude to me emailing Charlotte and Ian to see where they want to go next with our little graphic projects. Over at myebook, The Fire Sermon has over 6,000 readers. We need to do many more of these small projects to propel the genre - it's a great way of publishing and gathering momentum. Too Hot For Dogs is also gathering some sway out there as well.
BUT THEN - over at the WeBook competition, I find Turn The Lamp Down Low has lost quite a lot of its momentum. Down to 32% this morning but then I looked at the overview of the competition itself and it appears that the more people rate your stuff, the lower your rating becomes. I might have to start a serious ass-kicking campaign if it drops any lower. It deserves to go through at least to the next round - I would know if it didn't. If it didn't, I wouldn't have put it out there.
Currently reading (and obviously too busy to finish): The Owl Killers
Currently listening to: Finger Eleven: Them Vs You Vs Me
Currently wondering how the hell I'm making time for: LOST, Heroes and Supernatural - all of which are approaching the home straight to make room for the mighty HUNTERS (well... it won't be for want of trying).
Mars Needs Women. Angry Red Women.
I think this is going to be one of those all over the show posts. Stick with it - there's something for everybody.
On the new Rob Zombie album - Hellbilly Deluxe II: if you like the Zombie output so far, you'll not be disappointed with this. It's the same as all the others with new song titles, different lyrics and different riffs. Whilst that might be the laziest review you've ever heard from me, you'll probably find it's the most honest. Anybody that uses more than three sentences to review this is missing the point of Rob Zombie.
Last night, over at WeBook I was doing pretty well with a massive thumbs up from the "judges" and forging ahead but this morning when I checked again, my rating had gone down. Not much but just enough for it to jar my senses. Stewing over it this morning, I think I have discovered why this may be. Given the Stateside time-zones, I deduce that most of then people who downgraded my story overnight were American, thus:
a) Show me one American who knows where Bekesbourne is. Show me anyone who lives outside of Kent who knows where it is for that matter.
b) Show me an Amercian who knows what a Badger looks like.
I only had 800 words to kick start the comp so understandably, I may have lost ground due to a technicality there - ie: nobody knew what or where I was talking about. If I could have squeezed in another couple of hundred words, we would have gotten to the bit where they found the guys eyes and mouth were sewn together with his own veins. More on this later.
I wonder if Rankin had the same problem with that big stone chair he kept going on about in Rebus...
More later this evening. I may have forgotten an appointment with a haunted house tonight...
Switching on Dan's Lamp
Momentum is picking up with a whole bunch of things, so today is one of those stop/start affairs on the writing front. I also have a whole magazine rebrand/redesign to take care of for somebody - though admittedly, not to be completed in the next 10 minutes.
On the "You Can't Win Them All Dan Brown" front, I thought I had best get my ass motoring with the actual book, so took it upon myself to throw it into a lions mouth. Over at WeBook - which is an online writing platform that's not too bad in its delivery - they're running an X-Factor type of competition where other writers and readers, vote you through to the next round. The first stage is currently open with an "audition" of synopsis and proposed first page up for accept/reject. Having used the platform in the past to get some feedback on some poetry, I figured it might be a good place to launch from.
I'm not "allowed" to pimp my wares though, so if you're a member over there, don't forget to ignore anything you might see labelled up as Turn The Lamp Down Low. Thanks.
Anyway, the point of the competition is to grab yourself and your book a publishing deal. I shall be happy with simply having other people's deadlines imposed on me to enforce completion and the odd chance here and there of agents reading and/or commenting. Let's just see what happens.
At the various feeds that this is blog is filtered out to, my Almost Human extract from yeterday has fair exploded with feedback (comparatively). Nice stuff too and it's caused me to rethink my project priorities, but all of that can wait until later tonight. I promised to take Rhiannon swimming, so swimming it is...
Currently listening to: Rob Zombie - Hellbilly Deluxe II
Apparently guilty of: being extremely grumpy (I'm putting that down to Day 17 of genuine non-smoking going on)
The Mirror Crack'd
I was struggling for a blog post today, so thought I would share a small extract from my thoroughly unfinished book Almost Human:
I used to be one of these people. I know a lot of you used to be these people too. If you were lucky, maybe you weren't one of these people but I can't quite decide if it really is lucky or not. You might have missed out on something if you weren't.
I'm talking about the need/want/desire to dress like your icons - or at the very least mimic them in some fashion - and let me tell you, if you were born after 1980, you don't know how good you have it no matter what music you're into.
Let's start with the simple end of the stick. How much hard work is it to display your colours as a Metallica fan? It's not. You pay your money and get your t-shirt, if you're feeling creative you might take the marker pens to your denim jacket or an airbrush to your leather. For the truly hardcore, you can get a tattoo of the Metallica logo but only if you're really sure you will "absolutely love them forever"...
With the exception of the tattoo (though I suspect it may be more common than I think) this is the way it has been and always will be for the vast majority. It's a nice way to be. It means you can display your colours at whim. Maybe when you go to a show or hanging out with your pals at the weekend...
But for some of us, this is not enough. I can't put my finger on the reasoning behind it at all. One of my cousins, Karen, was really into the Bay City Rollers and displayed her tartan scarves with pride. If memory serves, she also had tartan pants but I may get in trouble for knowing this.
As we moved through the seventies, I grew up with people who would dress as close as they dared to Bolan and Bowie (though I never knew anybody who thought it would be a good idea to dress like Dave Hill) - this moved into the punk arena and the new romantics. It may come as a shock to some but the punk thing never really happened outside of London. Well, it did, but the little towns in the north of England came late to the show, so by the time they were in full swing, it was over.
The New Romantic era was different. It wasn't aggressive and every high street store catered for what you might need. It's true. Need some funny suede boots to emulate David Sylvian? Chances are you could buy them in Top Man (or whatever it was called back then) and if not, there were plenty of indie stores that did cater for you.
It was a time when daring to be different was expected - and then it stopped. Well, I thought it had stopped, but what really happened was that the bands coming up through the ranks started to look like normal people, so you couldn't tell the difference betwen the guy in the band and the guy in the street. Sure, there were pockets of renegades, but they were few in numbers and very disappointing in their delivery.
My favourite object of ridicule at the moment is the kid with a good job who can afford to buy the floor length leather coat a la Keanu/Matrix mostly because he comes across like Sting does in Quadrophenia - and then I think back to how I thought that it would be the best idea in the world to try and look like Bobby Dall on the back of the first Poison album...
I guess we all have to go through the ridicule stage to get where we're going but it took a long time for it to register with me that Poison were based in Los Angeles where heroin was the norm and I was stuck in North Wales and the closest we got to heroin was drying banana skins on a hairdryer and rolling them up to smoke. It can be done, but it takes quite some practice...
Taken from the eventually forthcoming Almost Human...
Fox on the run
For those hunting more literary revelations, Ida has posted my latest contribution to her company - The Greatest Album in the World: Not A Tribute - here. I'll probably repost it here for those of you too lazy to have a look but I will leave it a week or so. Fight the good fight and all that...
Whilst not beautiful in the classical sense of the word, today my Saab is thoroughly gorgeous because in spite of almost reaching the grand old age of 200,000 miles, she passed her MOT with nothing to report bar a bit of wear on the front brakes. Given the way I drive sometimes, this is not a big surprise. This will be celebrated by giving her a wash - inside and out, and if she's really lucky, a full tank of petrol. Maybe next month, I'll even go so far as to have her serviced.
So what have we established about Saab vs Audi? Despite my love of the four-ringed one, this old Saab is proving better on every turn. Harder. Faster. More resilient - and yes, more expensive (if that was possible!) but still probably the best £500 I ever spent on a car in my life.
Eleanor sent me this link to what she described as "possibly the worst headline ever" - personally I was more disappointed that it didn't go on to say, that all bankers were to be driven into a tree at speed. Maybe you have to log in to read that part of the story.
Then, she sent me this. We already have to hide 2 giant rabbits, 4 Guinea Pigs and a fish in the house - and those are the ones I know about. I'm sure there are others. Anyway, I'm sure nobody would notice her. She'd be very well behaved. Maybe it's time to look for a pet friendly house.
To wrap up a good days posting, if you're following this blog at it's source, I think I need to address these sidebars which need a bit more direction than they currently have.
Le Fin.
Speak of the Devil...
Yesterday, I threw some kudos at Roger over his book that just got released. Today, I'm going to throw some more as he's actually managed to publish two blog posts in two days and coincidentally, he's dived into a subject that I was going to talk about and managed to say most of what I had to say leaving me free to take a right turn on it.
Does the world think we're stupid? Does the music industry really think that as music fans we will be accepting of any madness they can think of in order to keep their own careers going?
To elaborate, something has happened within Aerosmith that I really don't care or want to know about but the upshot is that the press are bandying the names of Billy Idol or Paul Rogers as replacements for Steven Tyler.
Yeah. That's what I thought. While I kinda liked Aerosmith over the last 20 years, they ain't the Aerosmith I grew up with. Much like Kiss, Queen, Journey et al, they have become a money making entertainment machine and it's OK to buy into that so long as you know why you're doing it. They have written a total of zero songs that will appear in any top 100 list and the live experience is as squeaky clean as the engine of a BMW. In short, efficient but dull.
Guys, just call it a day. We hardly need Aerosmith to save us from ourselves anymore. We hardly need Aerosmith for anything apart from their back catalogue these days - we have Backyard Babies. The same goes for the other bands I mentioned - although I must say that I still love Kiss for all the wrong reasons. This is probably because Gene is very protective of his band and never really let it go down the pipes in the same fashion - and when it came to naming and shaming, he pulled no punches.
"Why did you sack me?"
"Because you're an unreliable drunk and the fans deserve more than that."
In my book that's pretty reasonable. Sad and disappointing, but you imagine being the one working all the hours the Gods send only to have it thrown in your face by somebody who can't be bothered anymore.
Just stop. This relentless quest for reforming/carrying on when it's not what we want is ridiculous. Bow out with at least a little pride - that's what you owe us. Not more albums, not more tours but some damned respect for the time we put in on your behalf. Nobody wants to come home to find their girlfriend in bed with their best friend and this is what it feels like.
Billy Idol is fine by himself. Aerosmith can fold. Freddie died and I don't need The Doors without Jim - Steve Perry? Stick to your guns Sir. I'm right behind you.
I once told Geoff Tate that I wished I could sing like he had on Empire. His response was that so did he these days and that's what we're up against.
Stop.
What was that tagline from Pet Sematary? Sometimes Dead Is Better.
Over Sea, Under Stone
(Day 14 off the Marlboro and still going...)
Currently about to launch into: Rob Zombie's Hellbilly Deluxe 2
The Destroyer of Worlds.
Phew. Day 7 as a non smoker. It's been rough but not as rough as I thought it might be - also the reason for not many posts this last week.
I think I was a totally unreasonable bastard last Tuesday and Wednesday, apart from that, I think I've kept quite a lid on it. For anybody who might be interested in some statistics, I worked out that I had probably smoked something in the region of 285,000 cigarettes. That's quite a few, but in fairness, I did enjoy every single one of them.
Now I have to switch channels and begin enjoying none at all. I considered patches and all that other shit they peddle but have so far managed with a few mints and a will of steel - and no small amount of goodwill from those who have to live with me.
If you can get past the slight irritability, the skeleton seemingly changing shape, the stomach cramps and the weird sleep patterns that want to enforce themselves, it really has been OK. Honest...
Reason for quitting? Not health, not money (so you can stop working out what 285,000 cost me...) nor peer pressure. I'm just tired of being a slave to it. End of story. I'll check back in on this in a month.
With all that seemingly under control, it's also begun to colour what I'm writing, or more importantly, how I'm writing. I seem to have become a lot more focused - with a bit of luck, it will produce some results.
Currently totally addicted to: Heroes Season Four.
Currently welcoming with open arms: The return of Supernatural.
Currently salivating over: The reboot and finale of Lost.
Currently listening to: Econoline Crush - The Devil You Know
Lostprophets | The Betrayed
Whoever thought Lostprophets were a flash in the pan novelty emo act was looking at the wrong tree and barking up another entirely. With Liberation Transmission, it appeared the band had latched onto the secret formula for creating anthems for the disenchanted. It was, to all intents and purposes, their Slippery When Wet. Not content with mastering that part of the equation, The Betrayed looks set to now become their New Jersey.
With speculation rife as to the content and direction of The Betrayed, the magazine world still appeared confident enough to put their covers where their mouths are and now that the full tilt onslaught is available to all, we can pretty much decide for ourselves.
From where I'm standing, The Betrayed is more like the record they should have made last time around. It's exciting, it's hungry, it shows growth and it really is all those things that a third album should be - not a fourth. Conversely, Liberation Transmission was slick and catchy at every turn and kicked out an iconic riff faster than it took to play one. There are some fine, fine moments on board. It's Not The End Of The World is a huge song - as everybody doubtless knows by now. Where We Belong is another but just as the album is looking like a hot contender for slaying at every turn, they revert to the type and bring me down swiftly with Next Stop, Atro City. Then again, for my money, For He's A Jolly Good Felon will be the sleeper hit off the album. Is that a stolen riff from an old Jam tune I hear?
With the TV tan generation behind them, it should all be over bar the shouting, I'm just not sure this stop/start agenda they have going on will work for them on a global scale but then, I wouldn't expect to feel any other way when talking about a band so dramatically fuelled by contradictions.
They probably don't even want to take over the world.
Lostprophets could (if they felt like it) spearhead yet another "happy to be pissed off" British invasion this year. All they need to do now is decide which country they'd like to dominate first.
Funny. I don't feel betrayed at all.
The Sermon on the Cloud
Many weeks ago, I ordered a copy of The Fire Sermon from MagCloud. If you recall, MagCloud is the HewlettPackard venture into print on demand. Fact is - I ordered it so long ago that I'd forgotten I had - until this week when a hard copy finally arrived.
Anyway, upon delivery, I'm sure I stared at it for a good half an hour with my mouth open to take in what I was seeing. It came in a polythene envelope, much like you would buy a comic in a store but without any cardboard to keep it flat. Thus, my beloved Fire Sermon was battered, creased and generally arrived looking like it had been dragged through a hedge - twice.
To add further insult, what I at first thought was a piece of paper inside the polywrap turned out to be a MagCloud overprint on the back page - that covered the final panel - pimping their own damn company!
*Bad language follows: this is fucked up. I expect that sort of thing on the web but not from HP of all people. Consider yourselves blacklisted forever. Your MagCloud can kiss my ass. Your printers, scanners and whatever other paraphernalia you've got going on in the world won't be coming within 10 feet of my house. Did you ever really come out of that shed you were so proud of starting your business in?
I've since taken down the widget that pointed to my page there. I think it probably best if I close my account as well - I'm thankful that nobody bought a copy of it from them. They can fuck with their own brand all they like but I've been fighting too long and too hard to let a spinoff group of California Cocksuckers ruin my shit as well.
Here endeth the Sermon. Fuckers.
Cross? You betcha.
Ophiuchus: the Serpent Holder
Whilst doing some research for Turn The Lamp Down Low, (I know, I know... not something I can be seen doing very often), I came across some essential information relating to myself. Reading back over it, it seems to be highly accurate but I guess it only counts if you place any belief at all in the star signs of the zodiac.
The research in question was on the monstrous zodiac that's laid into the floor of Canterbury Cathedral. It's a real serious piece of work whose diameter must be at least 30 feet although sadly, time has had its wicked way with it. Lamp and research aside, I discovered that the zodiac actually holds 13 signs but this other was "not allowed" as astrologers said that the Sun went straight from Scorpius into Sagittarius, disregarding the fact that the sun travelled through Ophiuchus for 19 days before entering Sagittarius.
Thus, I present to you Ophiuchus (also known as Serpentarius), the Serpent Holder:
It was never added to the Zodiac chart as astrologers said that the Sun went straight from Scorpius into Sagittarius, disregarding the fact that the sun travelled through Ophiuchus for 19 days before entering Sagittarius.
Unlike the other 12 signs, it is associated with a real person. In the 27th Century BCE in Ancient Egypt lived a man known as Imhotep (everybody chant with me: Imhotep, Imhotep...)
One of Imhoteps abilities was healing and it is said that it was he who introduced it to mankind. His accomplishments also included a wide knowledge of medicine and the serpent/snake symbol which is still used today (the caduceus) to symbolize the medical profession, was also used to represent Imhotep.
Then I found this list of attributes associated with the Serpent Holder:
Many people are envious of this subject as he progresses well throughout life.
(This is absolutely true. You all wish you were me and you know it!)
A seeker of wisdom and knowledge
(Absolutely)
Many people are jealous of this person
(See point 1.)
Tends to go for the more flamboyant in dress sense, favouring bright colours.
(I have tried to put the spandex behind me but it just keeps following me around...)
This person will have a big family but leave home at an early age.
(Fact.)
Authority looks upon him well.
(OK, so it's mostly accurate)
Would make a great architect or builder.
(Well, slightly accurate)
Number 12 is this persons lucky number.
(er... ah, crap)
...and for all you others who wish to lord it up onver the rest of the human race, this is where you sit:
OPHIUCHUS: NOVEMBER 30 - DECEMBER 17
Normal service will resume later today.
A haircut.
Not mine. Not yet. I jumped onto facebook for five minutes and about a million people have all got something to say about Paul Stanley's recent haircut. No secret that he's my hero. No secret that he had a haircut either - what's odd is that so many have got an opinion on it. Odder still, I've just sat here and refreshed my page a dozen times to follow what they were adding! I think I have Big Brother Syndrome. For what it's worth, it looks good. Food for thought - but at the moment, I'm quite liking getting all fluffy again.
Quiet day today. Been busy with mega-tabs attempting to line up all my public accounts so that I only have to post here once and a magical genie will post it on all the other apps for me. Not so easy as it sounds. Think it might take more then one day to figure all of that out.
More tomorrow. I er... have to check up on the latest hair opinions.
You Can’t Win Them All, Dan Brown (3)
I think Turn The Lamp Down Low has a great ring to it. It doesn’t say too much, it doesn’t say too little. I can already see it on the front of a book and it sounds like the sort of book that I would at least pick up out of curiosity. Vaguely mysterious – that’s what I would say if pushed when asked on a breakfast television show during which I would be sporting my facial hair. On this particular morning however, a team of highly professional beard trimmers have made it look fantastic as opposed to the slightly erratic shaping that I will be doing every few days or so with a 5p Bic razor.
Later, I will probably look at said television taping and decide that the next time I go on TV, I will do it myself as the team of trimmers have made me look decidedly groomed. This is not how it should work. I should look like I have been holed up for weeks on end being very important working on a novel.
Apart from the obvious attraction of actually being a best-selling novelist, I also find it quite appealing to spend my days at home instead of spending my life behind a desk. With a nifty advance under my belt, I could spend my days as I saw fit. Drinking latte in Starbucks and taking impromptu trips to
Imagine walking into an interview situation with the required facial hair, the backing of a decent publisher and a Great Dane. Even the worst journalist in the world could get at least two leading killer paragraphs out of that.
Over the next two weeks, I’ll be analysing the charts to try and figure out what the public want. Don’t forget, this isn’t an exercise in being literate. This is an exercise in selling thousands and thousands of copies of a book. Firstly though, I’m going to start by analysing the bestsellers of the year (2009). Along with Dan, Stephanie and JK, I’m sure there will be some others who can reveal many secrets along the way. Let us also not forget that none of these people give a rats-ass what the critics think of their books. What matters is that people are reading them by the million. Not only are they reading them but regular people are telling other regular people what they should be reading. This is integral. No PR, no TV commercials and if you look at the sales properly, not originally fuelled by movie tie-ins. People telling people. Old school.
I’m going to look at this in depth tomorrow, post it up here and then work some more on the novel itself. I suppose I should think about streaming this part of the blog somewhere. That would be handy. Anybody got any bright ideas about how to do that?
Snow, Sony and a Goddess
The worst of the snow appears to over. The temperature is falling through the floor but I think I can live with that given that we can actually get out of the house now, though as you can see, it's still pretty bleak.
We've been running the little hatchback solidly for about two weeks, consequently, the Saab was totally covered in thick snow and ice. I was dubious as to whether it had the guns to start but, after I actually managed to get into the damn thing, it started first time. I know I've said it before, but if you want to own a car that will survive a holocaust, buy a Saab.
Believe me, that's both fire and ice that it's survived now.
On Saturday morning, the wind made an appearance to add to the fun and blew so much snow around that we ended up, most literally, knee deep in the stuff. Further along the road, it had blown so hard that it had done this to a "very important" signpost which has to be eight feet high. When the snow has gone, I may measure it.
Kahn managed to step away from the comedy limelight long enough this weekend to post an entry on his facebook page about The Beast That Is MS. It's good stuff and all people with a degenerative disease should read it. Possibly right now even. You might have to log in or have an account to read it, but that's no bad thing either. He needs all the friends he can get.
Back to selfish matters:
Too Hot For Dogs over at myebook is doing what it was supposed to - ie: getting people to read it. It's had an additional knock-on effect that I hadn't considered in that the stats for The Fire Sermon are rising alongside it. This combined with seeing what some indie writers and artists are doing Stateside, has given me some great ideas for spring/summer this year. Suffice to say, it involves "going outside" and libraries.
I also found out this weekend that SONY/PSP have opened a comic store exclusively for the PSP. I don't know how I'm going to do it but this is coming under the heading of "priority outlet". Although it probably calls for setting Zodiac Lung up as a publishing house with them, the ramifications are immense and global. There are some things in life that you really shouldn't walk away from - and I think this is one of them. I'm thinking there must be an blanket way of getting this done as the SONY Reader also sits in this domain.
Shoot. I need a business manager. Or an agent. There's little enough time to write as it is.
In other sexy snow pictures, see the Goddess who lives in the Garden and how pretty she looks with her snow clothes on.
Wrestling rules for business
This morning I came up with a few things I have learned over the years that have helped me in business simply from watching wrestling. I think it's only fair to share them with the world, but please - if you put any of them to practical use, I cannot be held responsible for the outcome.
That said, it would make a great poster.
1. Don't trust anybody.
2. When you go for a moonsault off the top rope, sometimes you hit, sometimes you miss. Those are the breaks.
3. When you're backed into a corner with no way out, use a chair.
4. There's always somebody bigger than you are.
5. If you're going to be an evil bastard, wear a mask.
6. Make sure your entrance music is louder than everybody else's.
7. If you lose the belt, you can always win it back again.
8. Nothing is ever as it seems.
9. The bigger they are, the harder they fall and when they fall on you, it hurts like hell.
10. When you really mean business, wear trunks.
11. If the money is right, you can buy anybody.
12. Watch out for blondes. They usually mean trouble.
13. Sometimes you have to get your ass kicked a hundred times before you get a shot at the gold.
14. Never carry your tag-team partner, he'll be too heavy.
15. If you're absolutely 100% sure you can whip somebody's ass, do it in front of 80,000 people.
16. When the ref is distracted, go for the balls.
17. A thumb in the eye will stop anyone.
18. People don't always remember when you win, nor when you lose but when you survive the 20 foot fall through a table from the top of a steel cage, you become a legend and will be remembered forever.
19. This isn't football. This is wrestling. Be ready every single day.
20. Finally, remember the golden rule. VInce always wins.
Currently listening to: Biffy Clyro - Only Revolution
Currently reading: NeilGaiman/Dave McKean - Crazy Hair
Currently watching: Heroes Season 4... back on form - for now.
Too Hot For Dogs: relaunched
As promised (three in a row!) - here's the relaunch of Too Hot For Dogs: An Immaculate Misconception - and hopefully this little widget thing will look pretty good and not pose too many problems. That's all. Shall let the damn thing fend for itself.
Issue Two coming soon...
Wrapping up...
