I have totally lost my sense of humour. Not just in the last few days either. At some point in the last three years or so, everything became very serious - everything suddenly appeared like it had to have a point to it and somewhere inside of me, this doesn't sit right.
As far as I can make out, most creative people go through these rollercoaster extremes of mood and I'm pretty good at hiding mine as though nothing is wrong - often to the point where I can even fool myself until it passes. Today though, the damn thing just won't leave me alone. I'm so fucking tired of pretending that everything is alright.
I did think about going for a drive nowhere imparticular to blow the cobwebs out but the last time I did that ten years ago, I wound up 300 miles away and have stayed here ever since. Today, that's probably not such a good idea.
Yet in the middle of this sea of misery, I think I might have stumbled on something important. Earlier on this evening, I stopped channel surfing long enough to catch the end of an episode of Starsky and Hutch and it dawned on me that when I was a kid, I wanted to be just like them when I grew up - only it never quite happened. In my head, those two guys in the Torino are still ahead of me... almost like it's something I can still aim for. I don't think that's right.
Maybe it's the inertia of the weeks events - amongst which are the anniversary of the day I first touched down at JFK airport... 15 years ago! Where did all the time go? Come to think about it, where did all the people go - and what the hell happened to all the plans I made while I was there? Is this how life is when you stop and look back? So far, I seem to have done 'some stuff' that didn't mean anything to anybody but me and gotten older. See, I know some people who are quite happy with their lot. They have a job and they take their money from their job and they enjoy the time they have left outside of their job with that money. That's quite a neat cycle they have going on there but it's not for me.
Once you've tasted something 'more', there can be no going back to the thing you were before. That's how evolution works. Life forms are meant to grow not recede back into the primordial soup. I have no doubt that there are thousands of us out here on the cliff face with the wind blowing up our asses, but like all of you, right now I'm concerned about me not the others. You can't save the world when you can't even save yourself.
I should put some Kiss on or watch some wrestling but there's a bigger part of me tonight that wants to wallow here for a little while, so hello Stabbing Westward. Suicidal? Nah... that's a crock of shit. The only thing that achieves come 2009 is a few people leaving 'Oh my God' posts on Facebook.
No... there's a way out of this. Just need to figure out what the fuck it is.
Enough?
Enough.
Also posted today:
The Greatest Song in the World, Not a Tribute | ISLPR
